In Which The Judiciary Of England And Wales…

(Yes, Bloggers, its typically that time of year when I  offer up, for your gratification and general amusement, a post that verges on the fanciful, if not down right  SURREAL,being a  reflection of  my  complete and entirely sincere belief that the Golden Snitch of Pupillage  will , once AGAIN, slip through my fingers. I therefore ask you to follow the title of this post  immediately to the point below, rather than trouble yourself anymore with further ramblings!! )

...... ASKED( at the very moment when I am on my way to the land of nod) of my Modest, and ENTIRELY Minx Like Self, the following question:

Why, Ms Minx, is that an ACCENT I/We hear/detect?

The response thereafter offered, (being NATURALLY predicated upon  the level of seniority of aforementioned judiciary) would fictionally be as follows:

• The Supreme Court : ' My LORDS!! Yes, I do INDEED  have an accent,  one- not being as Fine and as UPSTANDING as your OWN MARVELLOUS received manner of pronunciation- for which I most HUMBLY beg your apologies!!! I IMPLORE you on bended WHEELS KNEES to disregard this  CRUEL personal infliction , accept my argument and allow this final(ish) appeal!!!!!!(*bursts into tears, an act suggestive of experience emboldened by walk on part in [insert soap opera of choice here] and now developed into academy award winning performance*) 
•  The Court of Appeal: ' MY LORDS! I can disguise it from you no longer!! I have an accent!! O, the Red faced SHAME of it! Please, PLEASE do not let it in ANY WAY detract from the Marshall Hall-esque calibre of my submissions to your JUST and WONDERFUL   selves, and allow the appeal before you!!!!!! ( * tears now imminent, if not inevitable,  leading to offer of  a walk on part in [insert soap opera of choice here]as a traumatised bystander about to burst into  the sort of Lacramic Flood that would fill a RESERVOIR to capacity, a development of tactics developed, and deployed with some success, in the High Court*)
• The High Court: ' Yes, my Lord, yes I have an accent. I sincerely  hope it does not represent an inconveince to  the ability of your Lordship's pen to follow what I have to say!! – If that is indeed the case, please accept my most sincere apologies!  I will endeavour to correct the timbre and cadence of my speech from now on! (*wobbling upper lip/misty eyes, suggestive of determination to succeed at the bar, having overcome working class background/education at thick as a brick college/triumphed in securing pupillage against the odds, etc, etc, hoping to obtain yet further judicial sympathy, in light of  similar, and successful, tactic  employed and noted below)
•  The Crown Court: ' Yes, Your Honour, I do  have an accent.  '(*stifles an emotive little sigh, for purposes of dramatic effect ,  thereby suggesting general lack of elan, to be    construed as touching naivete,  which may possibly engender a tiny modicum of judicial sympathy . However, immediately shoots self in foot with following comment ,having not yet learned the lesson that less is undoubtedly more*) What do you expect me to DO about it?!?
• The Magistrates Court :Yes of COURSE it is a bloody accent !!! D'oh!!!  Since I  am about to  demonstrate  to you the breadth of this accent with such insult as you have never heard  spoken before ( or will do ever again)  I now pre-emtpively INVITE you to SLING me in the Chokey for contempt!! I've had the shittiest day imaginable and I just want to go home and lie DOWN for half an hour!! In FACT,actually SLINGING me in the Chokey might give me time enough to do some of the BACKBREAKING amount of preparation I have at hand for court tomorrow! Hand me the keys to my CELL, already, I will do you all a favour and  lock myself up!!!!!! (*Throws EPIC tantrum/ looses plot completely/ flings self on courtroom floor /waits for security to come and drag self downstairs*)

O Dear.

It would appear, Dear Blogwatchers, that the Pupillage Portal has once AGAIN succeeded in frying what little is left of  my brain......

Baby B: Moldigation And Red Bags.......

I do hope, dear blogwatchers, that I have not given you cause to be in any way concerned regarding the general health of our erstwhile hero by dint of the title of this post, for, while it may be entirely the case that he has recently had cause to swallow enough sea water while learning to surf so as to place him in line for the title of honorary president/chief executive/trustee/counsel and  general poster child for  that fine and UPSTANDING organisation, Surfers Against Sewage, I refer  in fact to the forthcoming publication of book two of his adventures at the bar, as dictated to Mr Tim Kevan ( Barrister of the Middle Temple and  latently a tenant of 1 Temple Gardens) entitled 'Law and Peace'.

Following his successful campaign to secure tenancy ( at the expense of every other pupil in his set) Baby B sets out to build himself a practice by as many conventional and, indeed deeply unconventional means as is possible, whilst doing continual battle with his arch enemy, TopFirst, in their intensely competitive quest to be first to attain a coveted Red Bag. The battle lines are drawn, and played out with considerable auteur, in a cause of action lodged by a group of retired persons, affectionately known to Baby B as the Moldies, wherein their eccentric behaviour is attributed to a local mobile phone mast, and for which substantial damages are sought.

Being fortunate enough to have been given a copy to read in advance of publication, I must say that I found it extremely enjoyable. Tim is  highly adept at weaving the main thread of the book - the moldy litigation- in and out of  Baby B's dodgy dealings, court pranks, and relations with his friends and family with a  subtle, underlying premise, to wit, the importance of living life in the  moment, and savouring it,  a premise which speaks to me following last year's Gharstlie Lergification. You simply never know what's around the corner.
Factor into the mix the wonderfully eccentric characters of  B's chambers, who load their conversations with all manner of saucy innuendo and general one upmanship, while now and again giving small insights into the fact that  their lives  never truly reflect the importance of taking pleasure in the present, then you have a book that is fast paced, and punchy  filled with rich characters who's machinations are really easy to follow ( even if you haven't read the first book ' Law and Disorder') whilst reflecting the droll humor that is beloved of many a lawyer without making it an entirely gnostic exercise.

In short, then, dear blogwatchers, I STRONGLY commend this book to you as an essential part of your summer reading -  trust me, once you pick it up, you wont be able to put it down! ( I certainly couldn't - I finished it in a DAY!!!)
As with 'Law and Disorder', 'Law And Peace' is published by the House of Potter, and is presently available for pre order via that fine interweb bookseller, Amazon. Following its publication on the 3rd of May, it will then  be available  in all good bookshops nationwide.There's even a very nice launch party to celebrate the fact on the 11th of the same month, at the Old Bank of England Pub on Fleet Street - go along and say hi!

G'WAN - You know you want to!!!!!

Minx And The Thirty Nine Four Steps……

O Blogwatchers!

Once AGAIN it would seem that three WHOLE weeks a virtual AGE has passed by since we last conversed, but  there have beenChickensevents  which have  long kept me from our clandestine meetings before and through Deep Thought!

Why MINX, I hear you cry in HORROR, What ( Marshall-Hall style) Drama do you now present us with?! What has happened? Has the Thesis Monster gone on Hunger Strike?! Did The Court of Appeal NOT accede to your  RIGOROUS argument that every Ph.D student in the UK be allowed  by their seat of learning 927 free Shots of Espresso, 486  Jammy Dodgers and a FEZ in order to facilitate the flow of their studies??

What, in short, is OCCURRING??

It’s spring. The grass  is a wonderful shade of fresh new green and snowdrops , primrose , crocus and daffodils are in bloom .The weather is wonderful – tolerably warm,( but not TOO hot) with   blue skies and golden sunshine. A time of chickens regeneration and reinvigoration. A time, in short, for feeling pretty bloody good about life the universe and everything such that even the prospect of  a continuation of the Fez Argument before the Supreme Court the forthcoming appearance of the Pupillage Fairy holds absolutely NO  fear.

This being the case, blogwatchers, I determined it was high time that I rose above my physical  troubles and decided to pretend that they are ABSOLUTELY NOT a problem interact  with the world as if I were the very  PERSONIFICATIONof  Brigit herself. This, of course, naturally led me to believe that I could take on  The Enitre World four STEEP very shallow steps leading into a particular building at the Local Seat of Learning in order to conduct a seminar , a move which then ended in utter disaster as I tumbled forward ,in a most undignified manner, through the automatic doors in the sort of entrance that  a group of Medieval TUMBLERS would have just cause to be very, very proud  .

Honestly.

If there is one thing that I am capable of doing really , really WELL, and with considerable ELAN, ( even  if I do say so myself) its Falling Over. As a matter of fact, so accomplished am I at this particular embarrassment, I wonder whether I should add it to the skills section of my CV, for  I am a deeply ORGANISED  and very well MOTIVATED faller,  capable of the following  even as the ground rushes toward  a meeting with my face :

• Contemplating the chemical properties,  physical nature  and  general degree and angle of bounce contained in the surface upon which I am shortly to land,thereafter calculating  with mathematical precision the likely hood of injury with regard to broken limbs/shattered cheekbones/concussion/black eyes, etc .
• Texting the School of Law with  the now customary ( and somewhat SCHLOCK) phrase   "S**T, I am Falling Over, Bring a First Aid Kit to Building X", or, in the alternative (depending on assessed severity of Fall  as noted above)“ S**T, Call an AMBULANCE, I am Falling Over and I am about to break X”
• Texting my students EN MASSE with the understated  sentiment that I am delayed/detained/cancelling the planned session for reasons quite beyond my control.
• Texting the Campus Medical Centre(  the machinations of which   I am distressingly  over familiar) with the epically bog standard “I’ll be with you in a minute” .
• Undertaking the management of various and sundry minor tasks such as the weeks shopping/required thesis monster reading/presentation of update for forthcoming research seminar/reflecting upon the possibility of new and exciting ways that I might present  the law of negligence to the latest round of Mostly Blonde Charges without the provocation of immediate narcolepsy.

Given that my latest attempt to defy gravity – entirely my own fault in the absence of the sticks/wheelchair which allow me to traverse the campus WITH ABSOLUTELY NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER- ended only in two black eyes and a chipped tooth I think I can honestly state, Dear Blogwatcher  that such experiences only  sharpen my ability to  multitask, to express myself clearly and succinctly,  and to liaise with various client groups so as to facilitate a controlled  and favourable outcome.

How CAN Chambers resist me?!

( Dont answer that!!!!)

Chicken.

I'd done the research.

I'd read everything there was to read; I had consulted with  luminaries and experts; I'd visited like minded individuals and sought their advice;  I consulted widely with friends, neighbours and family;I'd made careful and considered investment in the best possible equipment, the delivery of which was awaited with keen anticipation, even the teensiest WEENSIEST bit of EXCITEMENT.

EVERYTHING  slotted swiftly, and  smoothly into place.

The wait  for  the situation to play itself out thereafter was long, and uncertain.

Yesterday, to my relief and great happiness, it FINALLY happened.

Five Ex Battery Hens arrived on my doorstep, to share my large garden with myself, and other members of the Minx Menagerie,  to wit , My Dog, Cat, and the Thesis Monster.

 O Blogwatchers!  Do I detect a modicum of disappointment, even a soupcon of deflation in your demeanour?!

You  didn't HONESTLY think I was talking about PUPILLAGE,  did you?! 

 O Dear.

Would You Adam and EVE it?!

... Blogwatchers!!!

I bring ( sort of) FANTASTIC news!! ( of course the use of the words 'fantastic' and 'news' depend largely on your point of view; The Lovely Fellow and The Extremely Important and Very Clever Person ( Head of Practically EVERYBODY in the Legal Universe) might view such news with an impending sense of Doom; Various and Sundry Chambers will be filled with DREAD ( O NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Minx has taken Blogging STEROIDS, and is Bulking Up!!!! Run for your LIVES!!!!!) I, of course , am pretty BLOODY Happy. I hope you, Dear Blogwatcher, will be at least a little bit pleased, even if only faintly so)

After WELL over THREE years of whining, moaning, bitching jumping up and down and tearing out what little is left of the naturally LUSTROUS Minx Locks complaint, Google has FINALLY reunited me with all the posts ( bar ONE - the introduction, oddly enough) that were so CRUELLY whipped away from me by a bunch of itinerant law students who had no imagination, and even less discipline ( since I am given to believe that they never ever used the name that they had taken) when it came to matters blog!!! ( Blogger: er, Minx, they were under your nose an AWFUL long time, you know; we did keep them carefully for you in Reader, but you didn't notice..... Minx ( affronted) HOW am I supposed to KNOW if my posts are stored in Reader if, after ALL the Blazing ROWS we have had, after ALL our mutual tantrums you choose NOT to tell me that that's where you KEPT them?!And even THEN you only tell me NOW?!? Blogger: er, we couldn't be sure ( until now) Y'know, that you were, er, actually YOU........ Minx (* rolls eyes*) : And this means what, pray tell? that EVERYONE subscribing to reader can access my old posts, and even cut/paste/save them except me?! Blogger( trembling) well, er, your original email addy is still disputed....... Minx: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!!!!!! *Cue Blogger's flight, screaming, into the sunset*)

Now that I have FINALLY discovered a way to import the lost blogposts, dear blogwatchersI find myself  FORCED by BEASTLY old Blogger to go about the whole  business of restoration  in an UNBELIEVABLY round about fashion;This could  either be because I am not tech-savvy and don't know how to manage these things without making a proper pigs EAR of it, or because, well ,Blogger is the quite  the  THICKEST Blogging platform out there since Mr Thick went down Thick Street to Visit a Thick Cafe and buy a Thick Chocolate Milkshake . Either way, it is sufficient to state that  this is a process I find soooooo unbelievably  complex  that even The European Court of Human Rights may give cause to think that I have an actionable complaint under Article 10 of the Convention. It is, therefore, going to take quite a bit of TIME to restore each post, since each will have to be input manually; Blogger does not seem inclined to allow me to indulge in a marathon cut and paste session.( *WAAAAAAH!!!!!*)

  So it is that I've picked them  all up  and given them the once over( including the HUNDREDS of completely unforgivable spelling mistakes) so that, in the fullness of time, they  will become fit for your edification and reminiscence with regard to the mad bad and SAD old days that constituted the BVC ( as the BPTC was then) in tandem with other general grumblings concerning the Thesis Monster, among many other strange things. You'll notice the archive section expand considerably, therefore, in the coming months/ YEARS ( its taken me all DAY to get two in, let alone the 61 that are left!).  ( Thesis Monster :Feel free to dip in and have a bloody good LARFE. I know I did)

However there is a bit of a downside to this gratifying sense of restoration.

While I've lost ALL the pictures and links that accompanied my posts(this is a scenario that can easily be mended),the WORST Part of all this extended nonsense   is the loss of all the kind and helpful comments that were added by the many delightful visitors during the course of their stay. Unfortunately, this is a situation that cannot be mended. However, should you wish to comment upon revisiting these pages ,as they slowly expand within my archives Dear Blogwatcher, you will be more than welcome to do so.

 Still , I hope that this is an undertaking that will constitute a strange sort of fun along side my usual rantings - there is nothing like a spot of reminiscence to make one laugh, or indeed cry ( or even think 'ooh, MINX, you unmitigated and UNQUANTIFIABLE old RATBAG, you ) as well as to note, in hindsight, just how things , and life, pan out.

Hang on to your hats, it's going to be a Flat and INCREDIBLY BORING bumpy ride!

A Letter .....

Dear Learned Pupillage Committee Members,

Whilst I fully appreciate that the chances of any acknowledgement of this missive are slim to none, I thought I would write to you, prior to the start of the full on variety of the pupillage application season - whose rumbling peels of thunder may be heard ringing ominously in the distance- in the hopes that this might be the year when everyone has cause to be, at the very  least content ( unhappiness concerning matters relating to rejection for the applicant notwithstanding, though this is an issue which the applicant has to address through honest evaluation of their cv) with regard to the way the system for sorting out the wheat from the chaff actually works.

However, I also write to ask you to spare a thought - even if in passing- for those of us who might be considered, from the outset, as, in fact, chaff ; to consider those of us with an unconventional background, whose circumstances do not QUITE fit your criteria and apparently add nothing but bulk to the ENORMOUS/SOUL DESTROYING Pile of application forms dumped unceremoniously on a desk already stuffed to capacity with the work demanded of you by your clients, and for whom it is difficult-unless presented with a face to face opportunity to do so-to explain themselves in less than 150 words.

I appreciate that almost all applicants   would be likely to employ such an argument, in the Fervent and SCREAMED belief that , were they given such an opportunity as I have mentioned above, you would be inevitably BOUND to see what a diamond in the rough you have, mistakenly, and to your LASTING regret, had the unbridled TEMERITY to pass over, and that, were such an opportunity actually fully extended to the said applicants, you would likely NEVER see your family/chosen life partner/friends/clients/ the inside of your own house or, indeed, life outside chambers EVER AGAIN, so such folly as this cannot be physically contemplated.

I therefore urge you to at least consider the following as you sit down to contemplate the pile of applications that sit before you:

• Please, PLEASE spare a thought for those of us either without A Levels, or A Levels that are entirely rubbish. Whilst it is appreciated that such qualifications are a beginning marker of academic consistency, there are occasionally  very good reasons why, for some, they are not quite up to scratch. I ask you then, not to IMMEDIATELY bin an application where the stated grades are low, or non existent, but to carry on reading, if only for a little while. A poor start does not always mean a poor finish. Life does not always turn out the way one plans.

• While it is difficult to look beyond the Russell Group of Universities- given that you have either come from such a university yourself, or that you know from past experiences as a committee member that any pupil you will take from this group is more than likely to give you more bang for your buck , so to speak -there are other universities, perhaps with unfortunate names, those considered new, or those  who are derided by some as 'polyversities'; I do urge you to try and keep candidates from these 'outsider' universities on your radar, just a little while longer, should you choose to set aside the poor start mentioned above. All of these apparently non conformist institutions do manage to turn out law graduates who are bright, capable and determined, with strong qualifications that the Bar Council deems just as valid as any other. Further, actual choice of university is not always related to academic ability, and, indeed,capability. I myself managed to secure a place at one of the top 5 within the Russell Group, but could not take that place because a job and a mortgage tied me to my locality. It was, therefore ,not , in the long term, expedient to simply drop everything that I had worked so hard for - I was not in a position to gamble,but a love of the law, once gained, is difficult to shake off. I nonetheless determined to undertake its study to degree level, and worked, full time in a very busy regional intensive care unit, whilst also studying full time. You may not see this as an achievement, but given the endless sacrifices ( too many to catalogue) I had to make to secure the requisite strong upper second class degree that is required by the profession, I do. As I studied , well supported throughout the stresses and strains of it all by some extraordinary tutors, I realised that, unlike many who worry constantly about this notion, I was ( and still am) perfectly content with, and proud of, my choice of university; its law school may yet be young, but it is incredibly ambitious; it has expanded exponentially in academic staff and  in the resources available to its students, and has swiftly garnered an international reputation with respect to certain specialist/niche areas of law; it is also increasingly well regarded academically and is steadily moving up the REA ladder. But I suspect you will not know this; you will see the name of the university and cast it off immediately as somehow redundant, particularly since I cannot explain the situation as I have just outlined here to you on a form designed, as far as possible, for brevity and speed reading. There are many times many times many ( fortunately, or unfortunately) just like me. All I ask you to do is keep an open mind until such time as you feel that, during the course of your undoubtedly VOLUMINOUS application reading, and, taken in the round, this person is not the pupil for you.

• While it is very nice to read the impressive CV's of those fortunate enough to be able to take a year out as an unpaid intern for such august and, indeed IMPRESSIVE organisations as the European Court of Human Rights/The ICJ/ICC/Amicus/The UN/The WTO/The EU/Liberty/Amnesty/The World Bank ,ad infinitum  which  no doubt adds substantially to the worth of that individual as a potential pupil, life choices, and sometimes chances, may mean, for whatever reason, that other individuals were not able to avail themselves of these opportunities. These other individuals may present their talents in other, more subtle ways, ways that are non traditional, but nonetheless valuable - things that you might not consider as being relevant to chambers needs, perhaps, like befriending the elderly, or volunteering   with local interest groups that aren't related to the law, but nonetheless give the volunteer that satisfying sense of being able to do something for those perceived to be vulnerable and in need of assistance. Unfortunately, making jam with disadvantaged kids does not sit up there  in the pantheon of extra curricular activity with fighting the good fight in an international court. I wish it did, sometimes. I urge you, then, to take note of the smaller victories, not merely those attained through conventional routes such as CAB and Law Centre Work, though I do appreciate that these are a decided tipper in persuading you either to read on, or abandon the application before you as being one that is insufficiently well rounded.

• I fervently hope that diversity is your watchword and that you will extend genuine chances to persons of all backgrounds, colours, creeds, ages and abilities, rather than simply indulge in a box ticking exercise either because it makes chambers feel good or because the Bar Council demands it. See beyond the sink estate, the school, the university, the colour, the crutches, the wheelchair. Doubtless this is a difficult proposition ; it is so easy to lean toward the conservative( small AND big C) choices in the name of the comforting and the familiar, but it is do- able, don't you think? I appreciate that yours is not a profession accustomed to excessive risk, but when the rare occasion presents itself to do so, taking a small chance on a candidate who does not necessarily resemble his or her traditional Russell group cousin, pound for academic pound, will be a chance you will be pleased that you took, because your soupcon of faith, of gut feeling, will be rewarded with the placement of an enthusiastic and hardworking pupil, who, in time, becomes a positive benefit to chambers, and a person in whose professional development you can take some considerable pride, full in the knowledge that you took that leap into the unknown and gave them the start that they needed.

• I realise that it is not always possible, or even practicable, that you give the applicant any form of feedback either with regard to their application or, indeed, their performance at first/second round interviews not only because of the numbers concerned, but also perhaps because it may be that it is difficult to tell someone they just don't have what it takes, thereby possibly leaving yourselves open to a torrent of tearful phone calls, rude and insulting emails, or even, God forbid, personal visits demanding a face to face explanation of rejection. I realise that this is a real and worrying possibility. However, I would like to think that most applicants are mature, well used to critical advice and able to shoulder what they are told so that they can either determine to move on, or reapply to chambers elsewhere, having improved in areas that have been identified as weakness without having launched a sustained campaign of embittered harassment against those chambers they might privately believe have failed to see the light of their genius. I know no one wants to disappoint, or even shatter, long held dreams, but feedback should be a little better than the usual general and half apologetic " Well, the standard was VERY high this year", don't you think? It may be designed to be the least bruising response, but, ironically, it is sometimes the most bruising response of all, since the applicant might feel, after all the hard work of completing the form to the best of their ability, it really was a waste of time, since no one seems to bother, or care about that hard work, let alone the effort that went into actually enabling the application to begin with.After all, if no one knows what the standard is, how can it be aspired to or even matched? Now, to be fair, many chambers websites DO set out from the get go the criteria to be employed when recruiting pupils and endeavour to be as transparent as possible in setting out their selection process. A little feedback in tandem with this increasing transparency would, therefore, work wonders for those not able to get any further than the tray near chambers paper shredder, just by lending a little sense of completion, even of closure, enabling the candidate to move on to other things .Trust me, most applicants can take it on the chin ( eventually!) since they are eternally keen to improve, and, if they must go down, will go down fighting - not with you, but with themselves.

I fully appreciate that this probably sounds like a load of emotive and subjective old tosh to you, learned members of the pupillage committee, since you are dedicated to securing the best possible people for a job where the numbers of applicants are almost cruelly far too high, where the providers of the appropriate vocational course sell wickedly false dreams to some who have not even the slightest chance of consideration for pupillage, let alone for successful practice, and where tight economic times mean that the numbers of pupillage dwindle yearly, such that many chambers no longer recruit on an annual basis- if for no other reason than that of the sheer expense involved. I therefore appreciate that, given all these factors, it is a buyers market, and that you are the buyers. The ball, therefore, is ultimately in your court.

All I ask is that you cast your gaze a little wider; try and see beyond the rubbish A levels,- or even the absence of A levels- at the very least; try to appreciate the unconventional - even if it is only something that lasts to the end of the reading of the application ; try to see the person behind it - not an easy task when faced with such a pile of paper applications as is before you , some of which will be undoubtedly AWFUL -rambling, misspelled, lacking in brevity,logic or coherence. ( much like this letter, I suspect!)

Yet, hiding somewhere in the middle of those papers is a true diamond in the rough, someone you would LEAST expect to come to you and ask to be considered for pupillage.

I hope you will take the time to try and find them.

If you do succeed, your patience , and the trust and faith you subsequently place in your unconventional pupils, will be rewarded a thousandfold.

Many Thanks In Advance,

Minx.

An Acute Case Of The Golga Frinchams.....

Living with Malegozetum Obturosis, Dear Blogwatcher, is not at all dissimilar to the presence of an exceptionally tatty sofa in otherwise comfortable, and indeed CHIC , surroundings; whilst one cannot be rid of said sofa, ( for whatever reason) one need not necessarily welcome it either as a part of one's living space, or even as fondly as one might welcome an old friend; one simply puts up with its presence, hoping, over time to learn either to hide it or ignore it in its entirety. While such strategies have allowed me to deal with such unedifying lergies as MO decides to hurl at me physically ,I am none too sure if I am possessed of the patience, or indeed of the proper STUFF to manage that singular collective of pompous, and appallingly JOBSWORTH individuals whom I shall introduce to you as the Golga Frinchams ( Latin : Frustra Cruento Loonies , or FCL for short), an entire useless THIRD of the Great British Population who's sole mission in life, it would seem, is to make things difficult for the Reasonable Man ( who is of himself unfortunately married to The Officious Bystander, an unhappy union which arose from a one night stand and resulted in a Shotgun Wedding on the Isle of Sheppey) who has no choice but to deal with this shoddy group on a daily basis.

Permit me to offer you an example.

The Minx Medical Consultant and Obturosis Specialist- known hereafter as Dr Homunculus- is generally a gentle and compassionate sort, personable and presentable, often much bemused by the Legal Profession ( upon the experience of call to trial as an expert witness : " HONESTLY, Learned Counsel spouted such complete B****KS on the matter in hand, yet with such complete and UTTER conviction, coupled to such EFFORTLESS persuasiveness that even I had cause to believe him!!") . He is extremely easy to talk to and, one would imagine, reasonably easy to get along with in the clinical setting ( well, I say REASONABLY easy, since it is my own experience that Consultants are generally held up by their immediate staff as persons to dread given the degree of tantrum throwing that results when specific instructions have not been followed to the absolute LETTER) - until of course, conversation got around to matters of THE SHELF.

O Dear.

Forced as he is to share his (cramped) office space with his Senior Registrar and faced with two shelves on a partition wall already groaning with books and papers, Dr H decided to place a requisition for additional shelf space ( in Technicolour QUADRUPLICATE) with the Works Department at Thick as a Brick College Hospital. Two weeks later, a minion of the Works department ( and fully paid up member of the FCL's) took it upon himself to inform Dr H that said shelf would have to be ordered from NEWCASTLE and would cost GAZILLIONS of pounds. Minion therefore suggested that Dr H petition the Obturosis Services Manager for the requisite funds.

In due course ,Dr H petitions Obturosis Services Manager for said funds , explaining, in some detail, why the shelf was necessary to his general sense of organisation and environmental karma.


Oh, noooooo Dr H! decries said manager, That's FAR too expensive!! I cannot possibly allow you to have such a shelf!! I shall talk to the Works Department and see what can be done!

A MONTH later, Dr H receives emails from obturosis services manager AND works department which both note that whilst an alternative shelf can be purchased from a supplier in DERBY he would have to wait further 8 WEEKS until such time as said shelf could be ordered, shipped, received, and inspected. In the meantime, the works department would send a team to measure the partition wall receiving the shelf. Dr H admits to a soupcon of frustration, but being a little bit exceptionally BUSY attending to his patients, agrees.

EVENTUALLY, FOUR people turned up from the Works Department - only ONE of whom was actually carrying a tape measure - did a lot of huffing and puffing and concluded that even though the wall was a partition and not containing any pipes that might blow up the whole building if punctured, the shelves already in situ would have to come down and be replaced because they were bowed under the weight of Dr H's library. Since only one shelf was in the process of being ordered, another two would now have to follow, which would again take another 8 weeks.

As you can imagine Dear Blogwatchers, our gentle and otherwise compassionate hero, Dr H, was by now RAPIDLY loosing the will to live; this undoubtedly led him to put forward the following UNPARDONABLE suggestion:

Hop down to B & Q of a lunchtime ,purchase some shelves out of his OWN pocket, and put them up himself using a stepladder he'd bring with him to work, since, being generally a handy sort around the house, he was quite accustomed to erecting all manner of different sorts of shelving himself.

The Fall Out from such a moment of MADNESS was, given the general nature of your bog standard Golga Frincham, relatively INSTANTANEOUS:

• The Works Department felt it was UNDERVALUED with regard to its contribution in providing logistical solutions to the Shelf Problem, and declined to offer any further assistance until Dr H agreed to co-operate with its plan of action in respect of said solution.
• The Obturosis Services Manager was wont to faint in the absence of any degree of Risk Assessment which failed to take into consideration the difficulties potentially posed as a result of the climbing of a stepladder by a Consultant Physician.
• The Fun Police insisted that, as a result of Obuturosis Manager's concerns ,Dr H's Office Space,and indeed, Dr H HIMSELF, be subject to the aforementioned risk assessment.
• The Occupational Health Department, being concerned about Dr H's willingness to place himself at risk of potential back injury , and,as a result thereby possibly leaving Thick as a Brick College Hospital without an Obturosis Consultant for an unspecified duration, insisted, upon the advice of the Legal Department, that he undergo a health check ( NB: this is a man who regularly runs triathlons) in order to determine and thereby obviate any possible liability should he actually carry out his THREAT , and put up the shelves personally.
• The Shelf people in Derby ( cheap ) are apparently STILL waiting for the order for the first shelf. Interestingly, however, a shelf has mysteriously turned up from NEWCASTLE ( expensive), and is presently sitting in Dr H's office, simply DEFYING him to place it on the partition wall when no one is looking.

Dr H has absolutely NO doubt , however, that should the Newcastle Shelf eventually find its way to the wall, not only will it NOT be compatible with the Derby Shelf but will also and in all probablility mean that the entire partition will have to be demolished, much to the chagrin of his secretary, who spent 6 YEARS fighting for a little bit of space to call her very own; naturally, this would mean that she would either have to move 20 miles down the road to the next available hospital with ACTUAL, as opposed to ALLEGED, space, or, in the ALTERNATIVE, set up shop in the car park, where she would doubtlessly be moved on by the Department of Security and Parking for peddling personal injury pitches to those unfortunates having cause to visit Accident and Emergency.


If you are not comprehensively KNACKERED after having read this EPIC and SORRY tale, Dear Blogwatcher, then you are made of far sterner stuff than I! Could it be that you have found a way to deal with the Golga Frinchams without going clean around the TWIST?!